90% Crack

Picture this:

The Newborn has a terrible night
The Toddler wakes up with her diaper in a bunch
The Tween decided he's a grown man and no longer needs a mother
The Grandmother is just dripping with love and kisses and hand holding (with me I may add!!) and just complete sappiness!!!!

and all this the day after Satan's inbox was cleaned out.....

But I hear the Target from 60 miles away calling my name... luring me to those huge glass automated doors.... with those spacious little shopping carts and aisle after aisle of post holiday markdowns..... "I am waiting, you need to come...., I am waiting, you need to come...." the chant gets louder and louder in my head..... at first I deny the urge to pack everybody into the car and do the hour long trek to the nearest Target.... but soon the cold sweats begin and the involuntary shaking... It's official I am in Target withdrawal.... As soon as my eyes begin to roll back in my head and all that can seen are the whites of my eyes, it's time!!!!..... The bellow goes out "Everyone in the car!!!!!!!" immediately I began barking orders "Grab the diaper bag", "Grab some bottles", "Grab a sippy cup", "Grab my purse", "Everyone, grab a kid and get in the car!!! We are going to Target!" Despite it being naptime, everyone is loaded into the car... safely buckled in, just in case convulsions begin due to the withdrawals and shear anticipation of the shopping bonanza that is about to ensue!!!! During the hour long journey I snicker and sneer just fantasizing about the deals that will be had..... ohhhhhhhh, the visions of it all make me giddy and helps tune out the whining from the back seat! As we pull into the parking lot the palms of my hands become sweaty and barely able to maintain a grip on the steering wheel..... The orders begin again, "Everyone, grab a kid!", "Grab the diaper bag", "Grab the sippy cup", "Grab my purse", "Strap them into the cart", "Let's go, let's go, let's go!!!" At this point the anticipation is too much and I forge ahead..... as I stand in front of those magnificent glass doors.... I breathe my first full breath!!!! WE HAVE ARRIVED!!!!

Once inside we make our way through aisle after aisle of sales....... finally I begin to relax and enjoy each smooth box, each plastic hanger, each metal shelf filled with goodies....... but I had no idea what was in store for me..... TODAY WAS THE DAY every Target shopper dreams about.... as I turned the corner of one of the aisle I saw the holiday display sale sign... 90% OFF ... but I should have known that was why it had beckoning me all day!!!

The whole holiday display area was packed with other junkies getting their fix! Everyone milled around the stock room doors just waiting for them to open bestowing upon us an employee pushing a cart filled with 90% off goodies........ eyes would glaze over and the look of desperation would set in... a few minutes later the whispers would begin "They're coming, somebody's coming, look they have two carts this time, they have large boxes.... " they had other employees fruitlessly attempting to implement some sort of crowd control..... Then as the big red doors with the slender little window would begin to part.. it began to resemble the NYSE (New York Stock Exchange), "I'll take one!", "Give me three!!!", "I'll take the box!!!"....... then as the cart quickly emptied the area began to resemble some seedy back ally.... deals where being made around each corner in hushed voices... "If you give me that box of ornaments....", "I'll trade you this canister of caramel popcorn for......." and if anyone accidentally strayed too close to another's cart the driver would glare and give out the evil eye.......

AHHHHHHHHHH, that day there were many 90% off Target crack junkies born, many were hooked and the poor souls had no idea how bad the withdrawals would be, how empty life would feel if you ever went shopping again and never saw another 90% off sign... how dark and bleak the world would now be in comparison.......... they were addicts!!!! Shopping carts were overflowing, babies were being covered in the coveted booty, people were pulling two and even three carts at a time..... it was scary.... Thus my Target addiction was broken and I secretly pitied them for falling to the evils of the 90% signs... I had hit MY rock bottom!!

I am currently looking for a 12 step program to help my addiction, until then I will self medicate with the much closer Walmart..... (at least 4 days a week)

***This is a true story ask the now addicted grandmother***